For the fourth, or fifth, or six, or 27th time. I lost count, and I don't care. All I know is that I'm not giving up!
I had come close to giving up recently. I mean the official giving up where you actively say "I am not going to try to lose weight anymore" not to be confused with the unofficial giving up where you just stop doing all the things that you're supposed to be doing like exercising and eating healthy. I bought some new clothes in this larger size and I thought I still looked good, but the plain truth is that I am overweight my BMI is ridiculous and my knees hurt and my feet hurt. I have enough overweight relatives to know what comes next-it will actually become painful to exercise. I have enough trouble making myself exercise without it being painful, so I may as well stop gaining weight while I'm at this point.
I tried on a pair of my favorite pants recently and couldn't even zip them. I thought to myself "oh my god what have you done what have you done to your self?"
Even my dear sweet husband who has never said a single word to me about gaining weight, I can see that there is something different between us now. I've been able to sense at times some irritation on his part after we stop somewhere for food or I run back in the house to grab something to eat.
Being fat is the only thing, and I do mean the only thing, in my life that I hate. I have a fantastic life which is a result of some luck and making some really good decisions along the way.
I think about my size and about being fat and about how much I want to be thin what feels like every moment of the day. In reality, I think about it every morning when I wake up, every night when I go to bed, and every time I get dressed, or every time I see myself in the mirror. So maybe that's not every minute of the day, but it's a lot of minutes.
I think about food almost as much. I think about how much I hate cooking, how much I hate preparing food for myself, and and how I shouldn't eat or how I should not have eaten whatever it is that I'm about to eat or that I have just eaten.
For an average person at a healthy weight, I wonder if they think about this ?Are all of their thoughts encompassed with this sort of thinking as mine are ?
For today, there has been success. It is now 720 at night and the only thing I had eaten today that I shouldn't has been an extra dinner roll at dinner. Of course I haven't eaten near the amount of fruits and vegetables that I should, but right now I'm really just trying to focus on not putting crap into my body. I am inordinately proud of myself for this and I feel like I am on top of the world that I have made it through one day Without unnecessary sugar or crap.
I hope I can say the same tomorrow.
